All of that love and support
but still i cry out for you...

that one person to hold me and tell me i was brave and now i can just be.
wish you were here.

i'm just so sad

remember when you'd have anxiety... and i'd hold you all night and you'd ask me if i'd be with you forever? you found comfort in our forever sooo many times...

what a shitty year this has turned out to be.

I deserve the best, and you deserve the world.
And we can be that for each other.
Be here now.

Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you
I said I'm under the gun around here
Oh man I said I'm under the gun around here
And I can't see nothing
Nothing round here

Since the very first day, you have been my tomorrow.

I was numb, and I'm so sorry for that. Truly. You were patient, I know you were.
And here I am, as always, thirty seconds too late. But I just can't let that be it. I can't, because you told me you'd do anything and everything for us, you believed in us. And I know it's true, and somewhere inside you still do. I never stopped, ever. I thought all those things you wanted to hear, but my mouth was paralyzed with the intensity of the world swirling above our heads.This has always been bigger than us and it is bigger than this.
You said.. anything.. everything.. ALWAYS.
You said you'd wait for me to get my head straight.
You were so impressed by us that you promised me the world. We still exist. Us still exists.
I cannot believe in a world without us. This world has already lost too much as of late.

A Sensible System

"Standards based learning, modeled on the belief that every student learns in their own way"

What a novel concept. You mean every child is different and has different needs and abilities? No way, it can't be!
Sounds to me like someone's finally getting things right. Adapting our horribly over-standardized education system to actually treat children as individuals, seems like common sense, right?

I can only imagine the progress teachers could make if they weren't always under the thumb of meeting testing results and pressure to keep funding...

There is much hope for the future of our education system when watching videos like these...

Molecular Science

Today was a frustrating day.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps we were born with a certain amount of molecules (or cells or something to that effect) and each and every day one of them dies. Sometimes they die because it was their time, because we no longer needed them, or perhaps it was time for another to take its place. Somedays its more than one, maybe a handful, maybe more- sacrificed for the sake of experience or memory, or stolen by another being who's count is depleting at a speed higher than our own. Sometimes they go quietly, just a natural passage, the circle of life, other times they're torn from us, ripped away. Somedays we are completely unaware, just the passing of time, and others... well other days we feel each and everyone with the weight of the world. And at the end of it all is the last of our days, when the last of the molecules fade and we move from this life to whatever follows. Today was one of those days where too many molecules fell. It wasn't a vicious murder, a horrible traumatic separation. It was just one of those days that ended in a loss.

And I'm restless and tired and somewhat bitter about how todays molecules were spent.

School today

CSULB students rally against funding cuts - Daily 49er - News

Sent from my HTC smartphone

To delete or not to delete...

So lately I've felt like this blog has just been staring at me like a reminder of all the things in life I've started and never finished. My intentions were sooo good when I began writing here. I was multi-posting, and mobile posting and photo-posting.... And then....? Well, life occurred. I guess I got caught up, busy. I tried to reset my resolve and promise myself that I'd begin writing, document my school experience, get reinvigorated. And that lasted all of one post. Yet I keep coming back. I'll sit and stare at an empty screen, and THINK about writing, but not just write. Thus, lately, I've been contemplating pushing delete. Just be done with it. Get rid of it so that the lack of effort will no longer be taunting me, reminding me. But you know what? F*#k that. Nothing else in life is easy, so why take an easy road with this? I'm keeping this blog. And, hopefully, I'll be writing much more and in more frequent intervals. And if not? So what. This is my blog. Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness, and you can just call me JR.

It's a balancing act.

Well, it's official. I'm a big girl.

I'm two days in to my third week at CalState Long Beach. Also known as "Big Girl School".

It's bittersweet. Well, mostly sweet, but I definitely notice the age difference between myself and the vast majority of my peers. I can't really tell whether or not they notice as well, shit, I don't think I look THAT old... While I truly am proud of myself for finally making it to this point, there's definitely a part of me that wishes I'd done it sooner.

Two weeks down and I'm already feeling the crunch of pressure. Classes aren't difficult (yet) but they are time consuming. I'm still working 5-6 days a week (30+ hours/wk) and it feels like it never stops. School, work, school, work, school... It's a lot, that is, a lot more than I've been doing the last year or so. I haven't quite found my rhythm. I want to work less and study more but I'm nervous for finances. I was lucky enough to receive financial aid this semester, both grants and loans, but I just did my FAFSA for next year and I anticipate being a lot further down on that gift list next time around. So I'm trying to take advantage of that fact that my classes aren't yet difficult and work as much as possible and hopefully bank away some dinero. But I also want to make sure that I'm making school my number one priority. It took a long time to get here and I want to do it right. Get involved in campus life/politics/clubs, get connected with peers (young as they may be) and faculty, and, most importantly, straight A's. I'm paying for this education and I intend to get every last penny's worth, dammit.
I look forward to finding BALANCE, hopefully sooner than later.

As is the motto at my new school, GRADUATION BEGINS TODAY.

Tori Amos - Rattlesnakes (Lloyd Cole)

Jónsi - Boy Lilikoi

Raising Awareness For Autism!

My nephew has Aspergers.
(It's not deadly, in fact, it's not even really painful. But it is frustrating, and means he's gonna have to work harder at some things in life. By most standards, he's one of the lucky ones...)
Asperger Syndrome is on the Autism Spectrum. It presents a daily challenge for people with the condition and their families. A cure is a great goal, but for now we'd gladly settle for greater awareness.

The understanding, encouragement and acceptance of others means the world to an Aspie kid

Please join me in my efforts to support Walk Now for Autism Speaks!

Can you imagine hearing the words "your child has autism"? In a split second, life - as you know it - has changed. For a different family every 15 minutes, tomorrow will never be the same.

By participating in this event, we are helping to change the future for all who struggle with autism. By walking, we are getting one step closer to finding what causes autism, how to prevent and treat it, and ultimately a cure so no family ever hears those words again. Until then, we walk to find answers and raise awareness about the devastating toll that autism has had on families like ours.

I need you to help make tomorrow be about dance lessons, school lunches and first words rather than therapy, doctor appointments and despair. Together, we will find the missing pieces.



Click Here to Donate

it was one of those moments that pulls at your heartstrings as if it's the last edge of the last cliff at the end of the world. where the sidewalk ends, she once said... and, strangely, it made me feel like the child who used to read that book. fate. destiny, life surmised in one word. my stomach actually spun beneath the thought, if i'd been standing my knees would have buckled.

Birthday Kitty

Sooo...

For as long as I've lived in my current spot I've driven by the same scruffy alley cat day after day. I've affectionately deemed her "Birthday Kitty"

She's always been super sweet, every time I've stopped to give her a scratch she runs right up and is such a lover.
I hadn't seen birthday kitty around in quite a while, until last night.

Last night, I was driving pulling into my alley after work around midnight and there was birthday kitty, or at least what used to be scruffy old birthday kitty. She could barely hold herself up, her hair has fallen out from the waist down, and she's so severely malnourished it's heart-wrenching! I parked and ran over and swooped her up, it was like picking up a skeleton. This cat hadn't had a proper meal in weeks at least

I cannot believe that someone could let this happen to a poor defenseless animal. It's truly outrageous.

I took her in, made her a bed and fed her last night, and gave her as much love as I possibly could have. First thing this morning we rushed to the vet, where she is now and they are trying to stabilize her and and decide if she'll be able to pull through. (fingers crossed)

The downfall is the $600 price tag attached to trying to save this poor things life.

Again, how the hell can somebody do this??


On the flip side

I was contacted by a woman who works with a local rescue organization who asked me for the info on where I've taken beloved birthday kitty, she's forwarded the info to a contact list of over 500 people! I just spoke with the vet for an update on my girl, and they said they've already received $35 dollars in anonymous donation towards Birthday Kitty's care!

So while I condemn the horrible person who left poor birthday kitty to die, I praise the kindness of those who received a random email today, pleading for help in saving her life and picked up their phones and donated to an animal they've never even seen!

If you to felt so inclined, Birthday Kitty is being treated at the Friendly Animal Hospital in Huntington Beach, Ca. She's under my name, Jamie French.. The number is (714) 845-5722

Thanks Friends


*****UPDATE*****
(7/30/2010 - 11PM)

I've picked Birthday Kitty up from the vet for the night, she's been on IV fluids all day, and has gotten started on antibiotics. Her blood work result were very poor, but the Dr said there's hope for her, so I'm staying positive! She's excited to have a little bit of wet food, and a nice warm bed, and some serious petting!

The vet bills for today came to less than they'd quoted at about $450
I paid $300 out of pocket, but the remainder was paid via donations!
The woman with the rescue organization also contacted me and said that some of her people gave money to her directly and that she thought it to be around another $100!
Which knocks my out of pocket cost to only $200!

And the best news?!! Another person has contacted me and may be willing to take Birthday Kitty tomorrow to her own vet and incur all medical costs from here on out!
Fingers crossed that this option works out, cuz Bday kitty has a long (and pricey) road to recovery!

Here's a pic from this evening, she still looks pretty pathetic, but seemed to have a bit more energy tonight!

Thanks again friends!

one breath

there was only a moment of hesitation. just enough to inhale, hold, exhale. Thirty seconds, maybe... there were no thoughts, no time for thoughts. just images crashing into images, blood pumping through veins amidst wild heartbeats. incoherent, unintelligible. there wasn't time. and then, movement, reaction. it was nothing but a lack of something. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. it doesn't... it's consuming me. it was just a natural response.. right? my body catching up with my mind... right? it's all that's left. 30 seconds. on loop, repeating, repeating, reliving. over and over, analyze, recalculate. my whole life has become that moment, there's nothing left. what happened after will never matter, and before? there was never a before. in that one moment of hesitation everything ended and everything began. it never stops.

Fear

A SILENT FILM | You Will Leave a Mark | 2009

crosses

i put it down before i'd even realized i was holding it. you know the old saying "it was over before it even began". it was something like that, if that something could leave an eight inch gash across the heart. a slowly bleeding fissure that burns with pain every time you inhale. nobody else knew. not a single person clued in to the smell of fear, the destitution behind closed doors. and, yet, every single one of them nodded their heads, as if they'd always suspected. of course they had. but it wasn't their cross to bear. can you imagine how much easier it would have been if everyone had helped? the weight of it distributed amongst them all? no, no... it wasn't anybody else's burden.