every day i write you a novel
a love story
an adventure
the ultimate plea

and then i erase it, because you need space
but all of my space is filled with your absence

are you okay?
do you sleep peacefully because it feels right?
I can't grasp the concept
i cannot comprehend that your world feels bearable without us.

i know you are capable of anything, of everything
once your head is in
why not put your head in to this?

you have been away long enough to know
of that whole other world
that exists outside of ours
it was always there
and will always be

other options
other people
other passion

but ours made the world beautiful
ours made lives better
our lives better

can't you see?
they will always be there in the light
but me, i've been there in the darkness
diligently
lovingly,
to protect your beautiful heart.

that's what matters
everyone wants the fun, the silly, the easy
and i do too
but i love your sad, and scared
with a fervent intensity
because thats when you need love the most.

in every dream i win you back.

i fight long and hard
but in the end
you are mine again

and we're both so happy.

waking up has never hurt so badly...

the tears seem endless

let me love you.

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
edgy and dull
and cut a six inch valley
through the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through
the middle of my head

i'm on fire.

that sudden absence of human touch

it's paralyzing

My heart wants you.

All of that love and support
but still i cry out for you...

that one person to hold me and tell me i was brave and now i can just be.
wish you were here.

i'm just so sad

remember when you'd have anxiety... and i'd hold you all night and you'd ask me if i'd be with you forever? you found comfort in our forever sooo many times...

what a shitty year this has turned out to be.

I deserve the best, and you deserve the world.
And we can be that for each other.
Be here now.

Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you
I said I'm under the gun around here
Oh man I said I'm under the gun around here
And I can't see nothing
Nothing round here

Since the very first day, you have been my tomorrow.

I was numb, and I'm so sorry for that. Truly. You were patient, I know you were.
And here I am, as always, thirty seconds too late. But I just can't let that be it. I can't, because you told me you'd do anything and everything for us, you believed in us. And I know it's true, and somewhere inside you still do. I never stopped, ever. I thought all those things you wanted to hear, but my mouth was paralyzed with the intensity of the world swirling above our heads.This has always been bigger than us and it is bigger than this.
You said.. anything.. everything.. ALWAYS.
You said you'd wait for me to get my head straight.
You were so impressed by us that you promised me the world. We still exist. Us still exists.
I cannot believe in a world without us. This world has already lost too much as of late.

A Sensible System

"Standards based learning, modeled on the belief that every student learns in their own way"

What a novel concept. You mean every child is different and has different needs and abilities? No way, it can't be!
Sounds to me like someone's finally getting things right. Adapting our horribly over-standardized education system to actually treat children as individuals, seems like common sense, right?

I can only imagine the progress teachers could make if they weren't always under the thumb of meeting testing results and pressure to keep funding...

There is much hope for the future of our education system when watching videos like these...

Molecular Science

Today was a frustrating day.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps we were born with a certain amount of molecules (or cells or something to that effect) and each and every day one of them dies. Sometimes they die because it was their time, because we no longer needed them, or perhaps it was time for another to take its place. Somedays its more than one, maybe a handful, maybe more- sacrificed for the sake of experience or memory, or stolen by another being who's count is depleting at a speed higher than our own. Sometimes they go quietly, just a natural passage, the circle of life, other times they're torn from us, ripped away. Somedays we are completely unaware, just the passing of time, and others... well other days we feel each and everyone with the weight of the world. And at the end of it all is the last of our days, when the last of the molecules fade and we move from this life to whatever follows. Today was one of those days where too many molecules fell. It wasn't a vicious murder, a horrible traumatic separation. It was just one of those days that ended in a loss.

And I'm restless and tired and somewhat bitter about how todays molecules were spent.

School today

CSULB students rally against funding cuts - Daily 49er - News

Sent from my HTC smartphone

To delete or not to delete...

So lately I've felt like this blog has just been staring at me like a reminder of all the things in life I've started and never finished. My intentions were sooo good when I began writing here. I was multi-posting, and mobile posting and photo-posting.... And then....? Well, life occurred. I guess I got caught up, busy. I tried to reset my resolve and promise myself that I'd begin writing, document my school experience, get reinvigorated. And that lasted all of one post. Yet I keep coming back. I'll sit and stare at an empty screen, and THINK about writing, but not just write. Thus, lately, I've been contemplating pushing delete. Just be done with it. Get rid of it so that the lack of effort will no longer be taunting me, reminding me. But you know what? F*#k that. Nothing else in life is easy, so why take an easy road with this? I'm keeping this blog. And, hopefully, I'll be writing much more and in more frequent intervals. And if not? So what. This is my blog. Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness, and you can just call me JR.

It's a balancing act.

Well, it's official. I'm a big girl.

I'm two days in to my third week at CalState Long Beach. Also known as "Big Girl School".

It's bittersweet. Well, mostly sweet, but I definitely notice the age difference between myself and the vast majority of my peers. I can't really tell whether or not they notice as well, shit, I don't think I look THAT old... While I truly am proud of myself for finally making it to this point, there's definitely a part of me that wishes I'd done it sooner.

Two weeks down and I'm already feeling the crunch of pressure. Classes aren't difficult (yet) but they are time consuming. I'm still working 5-6 days a week (30+ hours/wk) and it feels like it never stops. School, work, school, work, school... It's a lot, that is, a lot more than I've been doing the last year or so. I haven't quite found my rhythm. I want to work less and study more but I'm nervous for finances. I was lucky enough to receive financial aid this semester, both grants and loans, but I just did my FAFSA for next year and I anticipate being a lot further down on that gift list next time around. So I'm trying to take advantage of that fact that my classes aren't yet difficult and work as much as possible and hopefully bank away some dinero. But I also want to make sure that I'm making school my number one priority. It took a long time to get here and I want to do it right. Get involved in campus life/politics/clubs, get connected with peers (young as they may be) and faculty, and, most importantly, straight A's. I'm paying for this education and I intend to get every last penny's worth, dammit.
I look forward to finding BALANCE, hopefully sooner than later.

As is the motto at my new school, GRADUATION BEGINS TODAY.

Tori Amos - Rattlesnakes (Lloyd Cole)

Jónsi - Boy Lilikoi

Raising Awareness For Autism!

My nephew has Aspergers.
(It's not deadly, in fact, it's not even really painful. But it is frustrating, and means he's gonna have to work harder at some things in life. By most standards, he's one of the lucky ones...)
Asperger Syndrome is on the Autism Spectrum. It presents a daily challenge for people with the condition and their families. A cure is a great goal, but for now we'd gladly settle for greater awareness.

The understanding, encouragement and acceptance of others means the world to an Aspie kid

Please join me in my efforts to support Walk Now for Autism Speaks!

Can you imagine hearing the words "your child has autism"? In a split second, life - as you know it - has changed. For a different family every 15 minutes, tomorrow will never be the same.

By participating in this event, we are helping to change the future for all who struggle with autism. By walking, we are getting one step closer to finding what causes autism, how to prevent and treat it, and ultimately a cure so no family ever hears those words again. Until then, we walk to find answers and raise awareness about the devastating toll that autism has had on families like ours.

I need you to help make tomorrow be about dance lessons, school lunches and first words rather than therapy, doctor appointments and despair. Together, we will find the missing pieces.



Click Here to Donate

it was one of those moments that pulls at your heartstrings as if it's the last edge of the last cliff at the end of the world. where the sidewalk ends, she once said... and, strangely, it made me feel like the child who used to read that book. fate. destiny, life surmised in one word. my stomach actually spun beneath the thought, if i'd been standing my knees would have buckled.