thank god for friends.

Happy Birthday.

In an hour I turn 29.
I am somewhere I did not expect to be.
I am someone I never knew existed.
They are just numbers
these are just days
I end this year of life frustrated, angry, confused, and so very sad.
I leave this year behind with all that it stole from me.
I leave this year behind
trying to convince myself
that there are lessons to be learned
that something bigger will reveal itself to me in time.
I leave this year knowing less than I ever have
and feeling emotions deeper then I ever needed to know the depths of.
I leave knowing only one thing for sure:
beyond this body, and the soul and mind it holds,
I have no power. I have no control.
In 29 years of life that is what I've learned.
Everything can change in one beat of the heart
and, relentlessly, the heart keeps beating.

This song. Every time.

March 19th

Today is a day that reminds me of things worth fighting for
of events that cannot be controlled by best laid plans
or the purest of intentions.
Today is a day that reminds me that all can change
in the blink of an eye, a turn of the clock.
Today brings me back to the darkest of moments
and a strength beyond comprehension.

Today, I remember how short life can be
Today, I remember why I fight
and why I love so deeply.

Today, I choose hope
I choose faith in my own happiness
in the happiness I deserve.
Today I put my faith in a universe that has chewed me up and spit me out.
If only for today, I trust in that connection that lies between us.
I trust in its beauty
and in its purity.
All of the energy put in
all of me
and all of you.
It still exists.
Every day is a gift
our love was a gift
Life is a gift, and our life together
the greatest of all.

We found what everyone searched for
we found the subject of a million books
we found what wars were waged for
and what lives were given for.
And we've just but sacrificed it
to bullshit
and fear and ego.
But on this day, I fight.
Let go of what was
and fight for what's to come.


I will consider this time a reminder
just as that day, seven years ago was a reminder,
life is short, love is precious and both are to be cherished.
Today I choose to cherish you, forever, if you'll let me.
And perhaps tomorrow, you will choose to say yes.
Our love makes this world a more beautiful place.

so many times i thought about this day
and how we would celebrate
and all the plans we would begin to make
the steps we would begin to really take
the excitement
the questions
and all the love
conquering the world
like we said we would
watching our dreams
become our lives
our life together.

my heart
my pride
my love

and as you walk away
so goes a piece of me.

the pain of this moment
will haunt me in my darkest dreams.

i would do anything
to make it stop.

Let go.

today was the day when all of our songs became sad songs.

He who forgets will be destined to remember.

It is mind blowing to know that you are still out there existing



there are other things still in existence...

today was hard
and yesterday...
i can't even remember.
a muted gray numbness.
the headaches have begun,
i knew they would.
at least it's a different pain to focus on.

Try everything you know, something has to work.
Every trick, every tool.
Something has to work.
Breathe.. breathe. i can't fucking breathe.
try harder, dig your nails in, until flesh bleeds.
the blood is real, you are real
this is really happening.
run, fucking run, away, get away
something has to work
it cannot kill you
it can only break you
there's nowhere else to go..
tears heal nothing
time pushes you deeper
nobody knows
everybody knows

and then the last thread broke,
and she fell into the darkness...

i wish this moment would have been mine with you.

it's tearing me apart.

Trust the one who can see these three things in you:
Sorrow behind your smile
Love behind your anger, and
Meaning behind your silence.

- Nismo

every day i write you a novel
a love story
an adventure
the ultimate plea

and then i erase it, because you need space
but all of my space is filled with your absence

are you okay?
do you sleep peacefully because it feels right?
I can't grasp the concept
i cannot comprehend that your world feels bearable without us.

i know you are capable of anything, of everything
once your head is in
why not put your head in to this?

you have been away long enough to know
of that whole other world
that exists outside of ours
it was always there
and will always be

other options
other people
other passion

but ours made the world beautiful
ours made lives better
our lives better

can't you see?
they will always be there in the light
but me, i've been there in the darkness
diligently
lovingly,
to protect your beautiful heart.

that's what matters
everyone wants the fun, the silly, the easy
and i do too
but i love your sad, and scared
with a fervent intensity
because thats when you need love the most.

in every dream i win you back.

i fight long and hard
but in the end
you are mine again

and we're both so happy.

waking up has never hurt so badly...

the tears seem endless

let me love you.

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
edgy and dull
and cut a six inch valley
through the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through
the middle of my head

i'm on fire.

that sudden absence of human touch

it's paralyzing

My heart wants you.