write these words
to an empty room
to a hollow void.
send them out
into time
into space
into her absence.
everything stained with tears
and everything so broken.
spinning
round and round
all is lost.
so much fucking loss.
from limb to limb
torn
apart.
searching for something
anything
to make sense of it all
to cushion this fall from grace.
pleading with a god
who left my side
so long ago.
begging for mercy
for deliverance
for one day
outside this place.

god dammit.

one day, all questions will be answered
or perhaps they will cease to be asked.

the swelling of the heart
the suffocation of silence

listen to the words
see the signs

faith exists beyond religion
faith is what the soul is made of

rise above, beyond
move. Anywhere, away from here.

let loneliness enable you
let fear push you
let desperation light your path
let sorrow take your hand

you don't believe.
you've been wrong before.
you don't believe.
you're still alive.
you don't believe
it's okay...
whatever takes you away from here.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.

just keep praying, something's got to give.

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

Duck time

They say that promises sweeten the blow

It's that look. The one you get from those who care about you, the ones closest to your own pain. That look of sympathy, of knowing. The one that sees right through your best attempt to hold back tears, to feign a smile. That look that hurts just as much as the thoughts in your head, the tearing in your heart. It says "I know you are hurting and there's absolutely nothing I can do." And you both know that you're wishing there was something they could do, anything. It's that hug, as they walk away, held for just a second too long. Don't go... don't let me stay here, crying by myself... Somebody be here with me, please. I don't want to do this.
But they know, just as well as you do.... nobody can save you.
Say the words
It get's easier.
when?
Look away.
there's no answer
Because nobody's sure, every one is hoping
and no one wants to admit
some scars last forever.

Shiva Shakti
Liberation and destruction are one and the same.

Sometimes a moment catches you by surprise, when your defenses are down, and your thoughts are clear. You begin to feel, before you've time to think. And you catch the sob in your throat, the pressure building. Your stomach turns and you try to keep it at bay, but it's too late. You were unprepared.

And you will find comfort in the oddest of places the voices of the least expected will speak words to soothe your soul. Your bravery will be supported by the unlikeliest of allies they will rally behind true intentions. You will awake from your own demise into the arms of those who guarded you in your slumber. And in that moment you will find pride.

and the clouds parted as the universe spoke, her voice like honey, engulfed all who dared to look.
"we are the unspoken promises. our very breath holds the truth of every sleepless night. walk with your heads tilted towards the heavens, your path is lead by the stars."
the words meant nothing to those who listened.
but, to the ones who felt, the world began to open.

thank god for friends.

Happy Birthday.

In an hour I turn 29.
I am somewhere I did not expect to be.
I am someone I never knew existed.
They are just numbers
these are just days
I end this year of life frustrated, angry, confused, and so very sad.
I leave this year behind with all that it stole from me.
I leave this year behind
trying to convince myself
that there are lessons to be learned
that something bigger will reveal itself to me in time.
I leave this year knowing less than I ever have
and feeling emotions deeper then I ever needed to know the depths of.
I leave knowing only one thing for sure:
beyond this body, and the soul and mind it holds,
I have no power. I have no control.
In 29 years of life that is what I've learned.
Everything can change in one beat of the heart
and, relentlessly, the heart keeps beating.

This song. Every time.

March 19th

Today is a day that reminds me of things worth fighting for
of events that cannot be controlled by best laid plans
or the purest of intentions.
Today is a day that reminds me that all can change
in the blink of an eye, a turn of the clock.
Today brings me back to the darkest of moments
and a strength beyond comprehension.

Today, I remember how short life can be
Today, I remember why I fight
and why I love so deeply.

Today, I choose hope
I choose faith in my own happiness
in the happiness I deserve.
Today I put my faith in a universe that has chewed me up and spit me out.
If only for today, I trust in that connection that lies between us.
I trust in its beauty
and in its purity.
All of the energy put in
all of me
and all of you.
It still exists.
Every day is a gift
our love was a gift
Life is a gift, and our life together
the greatest of all.

We found what everyone searched for
we found the subject of a million books
we found what wars were waged for
and what lives were given for.
And we've just but sacrificed it
to bullshit
and fear and ego.
But on this day, I fight.
Let go of what was
and fight for what's to come.


I will consider this time a reminder
just as that day, seven years ago was a reminder,
life is short, love is precious and both are to be cherished.
Today I choose to cherish you, forever, if you'll let me.
And perhaps tomorrow, you will choose to say yes.
Our love makes this world a more beautiful place.

so many times i thought about this day
and how we would celebrate
and all the plans we would begin to make
the steps we would begin to really take
the excitement
the questions
and all the love
conquering the world
like we said we would
watching our dreams
become our lives
our life together.

my heart
my pride
my love

and as you walk away
so goes a piece of me.

the pain of this moment
will haunt me in my darkest dreams.

i would do anything
to make it stop.