my grams would have been 88 today.
i like that number, 88
seems so infinite.

and now she is.


i don't want to believe that she's gone.
what a shitty year.

when my own words fail

the things i want to write in this moment...
hurt in a way...
there are no words.

my heart.

I am sad
and
I am scared.

two months.

write these words
to an empty room
to a hollow void.
send them out
into time
into space
into her absence.
everything stained with tears
and everything so broken.
spinning
round and round
all is lost.
so much fucking loss.
from limb to limb
torn
apart.
searching for something
anything
to make sense of it all
to cushion this fall from grace.
pleading with a god
who left my side
so long ago.
begging for mercy
for deliverance
for one day
outside this place.

god dammit.

one day, all questions will be answered
or perhaps they will cease to be asked.

the swelling of the heart
the suffocation of silence

listen to the words
see the signs

faith exists beyond religion
faith is what the soul is made of

rise above, beyond
move. Anywhere, away from here.

let loneliness enable you
let fear push you
let desperation light your path
let sorrow take your hand

you don't believe.
you've been wrong before.
you don't believe.
you're still alive.
you don't believe
it's okay...
whatever takes you away from here.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.

just keep praying, something's got to give.

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

Duck time

They say that promises sweeten the blow

It's that look. The one you get from those who care about you, the ones closest to your own pain. That look of sympathy, of knowing. The one that sees right through your best attempt to hold back tears, to feign a smile. That look that hurts just as much as the thoughts in your head, the tearing in your heart. It says "I know you are hurting and there's absolutely nothing I can do." And you both know that you're wishing there was something they could do, anything. It's that hug, as they walk away, held for just a second too long. Don't go... don't let me stay here, crying by myself... Somebody be here with me, please. I don't want to do this.
But they know, just as well as you do.... nobody can save you.
Say the words
It get's easier.
when?
Look away.
there's no answer
Because nobody's sure, every one is hoping
and no one wants to admit
some scars last forever.

Shiva Shakti
Liberation and destruction are one and the same.

Sometimes a moment catches you by surprise, when your defenses are down, and your thoughts are clear. You begin to feel, before you've time to think. And you catch the sob in your throat, the pressure building. Your stomach turns and you try to keep it at bay, but it's too late. You were unprepared.

And you will find comfort in the oddest of places the voices of the least expected will speak words to soothe your soul. Your bravery will be supported by the unlikeliest of allies they will rally behind true intentions. You will awake from your own demise into the arms of those who guarded you in your slumber. And in that moment you will find pride.