and then everything retreats back into the shadows.
that momentary lapse snaps
and it never happened
only it did
and i'll keep checking
for much too long.

Shhhh... i know. it's only in my head...

Let life bleed through my pen...

i always believed i would change the world, someday.
maybe that world will be yours.

this storm just won't seem to pass over my family.
"everything happens for a reason"
well give me the goddam reason that's good enough

there it is.

we'll never understand how it came to pass
like a thunder storm in the dead of summer.
everywhere
always. everywhere.
surrounded and engulfed
completely covered.
you'll wonder
just as i do
but we'll never really speak of it.
at the day's dawn
we will always hesitate
holding on
for just another moment
to that warmth, that comfort, that safe safe solace.
days will converge
while the evenings bring blank canvasses.
we'll sip coffee
and discuss our intent to curb our obsession
with coffee.
i'll fill the cupboards with tea.
sometimes i'll cry
and sometimes you'll break shit,
but we'll only ever fight the world
hand in hand
we'll stand taller
together.

manifest.

and i will tell you you're brilliant
under the cover of darkness
it's the only time you won't protest.
my voice, wandering
between dreamscapes.
and your friends will say "she's not really your style"
"yes. but she's clever."
we'll laugh about it,
though i'll secretly always wonder what you meant.
there will be a picture of us, hanging from your wall
its title: things that are dead.
every time it catches your eye
you will think of that moment
our moment
when we both began to live.
i will write furiously
our narrative
in metaphors,
and you will add color.
you will curse the sun
and i will bring you light.
and i will fear the darkness,
but you'll take my hand... and that will always be enough.
i will never say no, you despise the word
but i won't have to, why should i?
everything around us will spin
around and around
dizzy with lust
sick with desire
round and round.
you won't be able to fight the smile.

and i am done with my graceless heart,
so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart

and we will fall
from cliffs so high
the clouds dance below us.
spinning out of exile,
into unknown.
fighting this fall from grace
with relentless vigor.
shallow graves
hide the half dead.
vacant souls
and swollen hearts.

Wishing you were here.
Wishing the you that i knew was anywhere, really...
Even if that somewhere isn't with me.

last night a young girl named Rosemary took her own life. i didn't know her, i don't know that anybody really knew her. but she was young, and she was gay, and i'm sure she was beautiful.
and life can be really fucking hard sometimes, even for a little girl.
and, sometimes, it can just be too hard.

give somebody a hug today. if not for them, then for you.
human touch can change a life. your life. mine.

my grams would have been 88 today.
i like that number, 88
seems so infinite.

and now she is.


i don't want to believe that she's gone.
what a shitty year.

when my own words fail

the things i want to write in this moment...
hurt in a way...
there are no words.

my heart.

I am sad
and
I am scared.

two months.