when she opened her eyes, nothing happened. nothing changed. the world did not stop, the skies did not fall, there were no ashes, there were no flames. and still she existed. and there she laid, unharmed.

and then something breaks
something inside gives
the ledge falls
and for a moment you are weightless

Last night, for the first time in over a year, I actually laughed in my dreams.
Maybe this is what healing looks like.

Sometimes it just grips you and takes over.
A prison built from within.
You know it will pass, eventually.
But in those moments, it's terrifying.





i haven't left my room today.

I can visualize these words as they pass your lips.

The universe is an interesting beast.

sometimes i look at photos of the life that once was mine.
i can see the holes.

there's a lot i can see these days.

Sometimes I feel like a train.

Solve et coagula.

"maybe your picker is broken" she said.

everything is broken.

and the day merged into night
yet again
sitting here
just like the beginning
waiting for the end
it was never meant to be
this way
or maybe it was
maybe it always is
but what a sad, sad existence that would be.

fuck everything right now. i quit.

the universe will provide
say it again
and again
until it's burned on your lips.
time is closing in
it's as if you don't remember
we have that forever
the one from our sleepless nights
the universe will provide
but we have to accept its offering
and give it life.
begin again...

how does solitude work
in the midst of a crowd
beneath hollow smiles
and painful tears
and you become numb
to the convulsing of your body
and the shortness of your breath
and you can't cry out the pain
but you can't stop either
how does it find
the weakest chord
of your heart
and the deepest pit of your stomach
and leave an aching in your soul
and then let you go on living?


*i wrote this 11 years ago. i was 18...
and here i sit asking the same question.
so tired.

Portare il rischio. Portare il rischio per me. Sacrificare per me proprio come ho sacrificato per lei così molte volte. Lei attende. Lei l'aspetta di partire in modo che lei può esplorare. Valgo più. Non dirmi che lei segue l'universo se lei non è. L'universo le dice di crescere e tutto rischia.

"I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
Oh, I need this

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them"

i wish you could see it
from up here amongst the stars...
that beautiful existence
we were marching towards.
it was just a matter of time
then
so close...
i can still see it
and it's just sitting there
so lonely
as i sit here in a mirrored state.

so many blank pages
laid out before me
tauntingly.
pen in hand
dripping with blood
soaked in tears.
dirt beneath nails
gathers as i dig at hope's grave
buried under mountains of destruction.
what do you do
when you have no control
when time keeps ticking
despite your quivering voice?
let go
of all there was
or should have been
pick up the blade
and defend your heart
so weak.
Believe in me
I believe in me
My fighter's heart
my broken spirit.
Write the words
and life will follow