The Art of TP

I want to take a minute to advise you, dear readers, on successful toilet papering. Hopefully, I might even spur a few of you to action. TPing is a beloved activity of mine, and it just doesn't seem to get the recognition it deserves. It comes in many forms: the car TP, the House TP, The Bike TP, the Sneak Attack TP, the All-Nighter TP, the On Location TP, the Interrupted Double TP, and so many more. TPing IS appropriate for almost EVERY situation (please contact me for funeral TP guidelines)- birthdays, anniversaries, last days of work, graduations, holidays... you name it, I'll TP it. I encourage you to invoke this childhood silliness next time an event occurs in your own life, trust me, all parties will be blessed. But first there are a few guidelines I must clear up prior to your engagement in this wonderful sport:

1. This ain't your 2nd grade Slumber Party debacle- You are an adult now, and have the resources to do an adult TP job. Commit! Plan Ahead. Make sure you have examined the potential target. How much toilet paper will you need for coverage? Save yourself a dime, and make an advance run to costco, skip the last minute shopping spree. Have your product unwrapped and ready for quick disbursement onsite. Speed and Agility are your biggest allies.

2. Get your timing right- We big kids stay out late. We work, we go to bars, we do walks of shame. Make sure your target is where you think they are, an interrupted session can be detrimental to the finished product, so, by any means necessary, track your victim (step 3 will help with this).

3. Illicit help, there is strength in numbers- Get your friends on board! gather your troops. This will prove beneficial any many ways. You will be able to cover more area in shorter time. You will be able to use advanced throwing techniques such as the "over-under buddy toss" or the "fireman hand off". This will also help you when it comes time for retaliation, as there almost always is when engaging in TP wars. Your victim cannot possibly counter attack your whole group.

And, most importantly, the GOLDEN RULE of Toilet Paper:

4. Leave no stone unturned, and no property scarred- that's right, don't do any permanent damage. Nothing counteracts the beauty of a well-done TP mission worse than a trampled planter, or broken window. Act stealthily and gingerly. Take care in your work, and everyone wins! But make sure you get every last piece of property that you can! here's a few ideas on finishing touches that will really let your victim know how much you care

-Forking: buy a box of plastic forks, a couple bucks for hundreds, and set one of your soldiers up to stab them into the lawn. This creates a beautiful visual and actually helps to irrigate said lawn.
- Saran-wrapping is your friend: if there's a car to be done, this is a time tested, mother approved technique. While your picking up your econo-size pack of TP at the costco, stop by the restaurant product isle and grab and industrial roll of saran wrap. Use this to completely wrap the entire car, making it impossible for the owner to get inside. This will cause no damage, but will frustrate the hell out of your victim, as they won't realise the situation until after they've taken down the tremendous amounts of TP.
and my last little helpful hint:
-Chalk: personalise your battleground by taking a minute to write some funny notes to your buddy, it'll really give them a warm-fuzzy feeling in their loins, they'll know they're loved.

So , dear readers, I urge you: GET OUT THERE! SPREAD THE TP LOVE! And report back here with pictures of your finished product for all to enjoy. I'm serious, you won't regret it!


Here are a few pics of some of my more recent jobs.......