breathe on little sister

today

it's one of those moments when things come full circle. when you can look ahead and look behind and see the same path stretching both ways. something clicks, a wheel turns, a held breath is released. and there you stand, not sure if its relief, if its regret, if its deja vu.... just knowing, finally fully knowing where you were going and where you began. this. this is a moment of growth. dig your heels in and feel. feel feel feel. if you pass through to quickly you'll never fully see. stop. breathe. feel it inside out. now remember.

yes, you.

everything changes. constantly, always. a perfect yesterday does not ensure a good tomorrow, just as a painful today doesn't have to carry into the next. consistency is comforting, but intensity is in the outliers, a little extreme can go a long way. we deserve to be happy, we deserve to have a burning in the pit of our stomach, we deserve to have our heart skip a beat or race uncontrollably. it doesn't always last, but it's not always fleeting. there exists a moment when all of those tears, all of those why's whispered into silence, into pillows, screamed into emptiness, when they all amount into something more. it'll be okay. you're going to be okay. you deserve to be happy, now just allow it...

YOU'LL WANT TO BOOKMARK THIS.

pieces are just pieces

everyday. everything adds up to the same. work is work and school is school and we wake up and inhale and rub our eyes. and we run our errands and pay our bills and browse aimlessly through TV reruns. we stop for meals and stop for business and stop for signs. and then.. something stops us. stops us in our tracks. stops the words in our throats. stops us from making that next same step, that next unappreciated breath. and we stop and think, and blink. and we feel it. the pain the joy the desire the fear, whatever it is that stopped us, we feel it. reality. we feel it. present moment. feel it. and we remember. why. why we woke up, why we started.

hold on. to those moments. the ones that hurt. the ones that bleed. the ones that make you smile and laugh despite yourself. hold on tight. knuckles white, til you bleed. those are the moments when you become you. the rest is just pieces.

old haunts...

This Weekend

I will be attending the International Alchemy Conference...



What is that you ask? No clue, I'll let you know in a few days! =)

today, moreso than ever

i love this time of year, when the universe can't decide whether she's cold or hot. when the fog takes over and the dew covers everything. days, already never long enough, get shorter, and lists of things to be done get longer.

time is a funny, funny thing. sometimes an enemy, sometimes a friend... healing... hollowing... build and destroy.

and tomorrow always comes, no matter how hard you fight it, how earnestly you long for it, it always comes... eventually.
and yesterday always disappears, always becomes a memory, always falls into the past...

breathe.
in. out.
breathe.
in. out.
just breathe...

...

i remember you.

man oh man

It's going to be a long week. School, work, concerts (nine inch nails and bat for lashes) kidsitting my nephews, more work, homework, bills... Being an adult really blows sometimes. I just want to swing on the rings, play handball, and eat paste.


Here's who I'm seeing tomorrow.. good music + great company = sweet dreams.

Nothing to do? Come Play with me!

Every friday and saturday night til the end of september I'll be here at the Irvine Great Park for their Summer Flights & Sounds concert series. It's actually really fun. They've spared no expense on sound production so the shows are super high quality. Lots of interesting music from around the world. You should come out, it's free (my favorite four letter word) only 8$ for parking. Bring a picnic, smuggle in some booze, and sit back and enjoy the music under the stars... Questions? Shoot me an email, or a phone call....


Here's a list of performances.

speak freely?

dear reader, dear friend,

let's be frank with each other.. i think we've gotten close enough to do so, don't you? i'm depressing you. i know it, you know it, we know it. i'm pushing you away slowly, right? you hate to see me spiral, but you feel guilty tuning out, yes? it's okay. i'm aware. but i had to get it out. just had to.. yes, i used you a little, here and there, a little.. used you to communicate things i should've said out loud. but it didn't hurt you, i know it didn't, don't play the victim. we're being frank, remember? i wanted you to know that i'm ready, ok? ready to try, at least, i can't predict the outcome, but i'm ready to give it a shot. for your sake. for my own. i've still got secrets you might never know, and thats just fine, you can understand i'm sure. so, are you ready? good. take my hand, let's change pace, shift gears, move forward. go ahead, grab it, hold tight, and don't let go. but, do remember, we'll always appreciate each other much more in the darkest hours of the night. because thats just how its meant to be. afterall, it's not called melancholy and the infinite sadness for nothing. here's to the things we'll never do.


---jr

the breaking point.

that was it.

Perseids Song

tonight i left work, and started driving towards your house.
i was going to surprise you,
pick you up
and drive you to the middle of nowhere
so, together, we could sip hot chocolate
and watch the stars fall from the sky.
like the fire that was between us
shooting across the universe.
without thinking, i started driving,
grinning from ear to ear.
you'd be so excited;
it would be so perfect

and then it hit me,
like icey waters
against a sun-scorched desert,
reality slapped me across the face.
like a blow to the gut,
it stole away my breath,
and stole a beat from my heart.
my soul lurched beneath the weight...

and all i could do
was turn around and drive home.

still have hope...

brought to us by

how does it so quickly go from


i feel like letting you know
how much i love you today
i feel like letting it show
showing you rightly now
and never going away


to


too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside
You can't provide what I need from you anyway ?



i believed you.

i think this is a mistake...

Irony

Sitting alone listening to love songs under the full moon...

comes from inside

s e c r e t s . . .

HERE.

decisions, decisions...

My friend nik recently suggested training with her for a mini triathlon. The triathlon part sounds fun, but that whole training thing... blech. But the more I've thought about it, the more interested I am. I even went so far as to follow up with her to find out the details. However, turns out its sold out (really? that many people want to run walk swim to the point of exhaustion? hard to believe...) I'm not gonna lie and say I was super bummed, it was more like relieved.... Well, another friend recently said he'd signed up for the Long Beach triathlon (what's with all this triathlon fever???) and now I'm kinda thinking about it, again. Soooooo.... what do i do? Ugh. I know it would be great for me, physically, and quite possible emotionally too, but shit, thats quite a challenge. AAAArrgghhhh! I'm oh-so torn on this one.. yes, no, yes, no, yes??? Do I have it in me? Is six weeks enough to train? What if I drop dead mid course, to they have insurance for that? hhhmmmmm..... maybe I'll just flip a coin.


Anyone got a double-sided quarter I can borrow?

sometimes

words just aren't enough
and there aren't enough hours in the day

It's beginning to look a lot like...

I'm losing my mind.



Well, not really, but I AM losing the ability to sift and sort through sometimes. I can't seem to make my words and thoughts connect. Everything comes out backwards or wrong or jumbled. I can't say the things I feel, I can't properly express things like they need expressing. Life is a connect the dots, sometimes it seems like its taking shape, like its making sense, then it curves off course, or goes for a loop, nothings definite til its almost too late.


THIS.

Here's to a safe trip..

Love, prayers and kind thoughts to my friend Julio as he embarks on his orders for deployment. Two months in Texas, then on to Iraq. Praying for a safe return, and an easy time overseas. Love you Julio, can't wait to see you again. We'll all take good care of things while your gone, and we'll make sure David knows his daddy loves him.

eachother is all we have left

goin to bed with a migraine

and a smile

i can handle that.

1.

water lily dance
in silent rivers
beneath rays of sheltered moonlight
voices of willows
hang from stars
-like teardrops
calling
so faintly
crying out

20 seconds of a sleepless night

turn it off
let it go
feel the beating
pump and flow
keep them shut
count to ten
more of nothing
again and again
word unspoken
paralyzed lips
losing moments
between record skips
numbness ensues
where pain once lay
strangled by silence
consumed by gray
lose control
begin to weep
fight the envy
only dead men sleep

Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go away and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
I'm on fire
Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do to you the things that I do
I can take you higher
I'm on fire
Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
Through the middle of my skull
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head
Only you can cool my desire
I'm on fire



thnx meh.

can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep
can't sleep.....

Please Help!

The Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act (bill number S.909) is coming to a vote this week.

We need you to contact each of your Senators today.

1. Call the Senate Switchboard: 202.224.3121 and tell the operator you would like to speak to the Senator from your state.

2. Tell the person who answers the phone that you are a constituent and are calling to urge the Senator to vote for the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act (bill number S.909).

3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 to reach your other Senator.

Congress needs to hear from us that passing hate crimes legislation is absolutely crucial.

FIGHT FOR ME.

...

everyday
it gets worse
not better

such a shame.....

Rest Peacefully....

well said.

from craigslist

"First let me say I am NOT a mormon. Not everyone in Utah is mormon, in fact the percentage of Mormon to non Mormon is gradually declining as more folks move in from places like California, Nevada, Arizona and the Snowbelt states. So, while the Mormon church does still have some degree of clout here, to boycott Utah thinking you are boycotting the Mormon church, is kind of like the reverse of the Christians telling their congregations that if they go to San Francisco on vacation they are supporting the gay lifestyle. (Everyone with a brain knows that not everybody in San Francisco is gay, in fact it's only about 20% if that.)

I am a California native born/raised/bred, from four generations of Californians born/raised/bred in California, retired to the warm, sunny climate of Southern Utah. I was against the first "defense of marriage" thing years ago when that idiot Republican Peter Knight was on his diatribe because I thought it was divisive and redundant.

I was no longer in the state when this last initiative came onto the ballot. But I would not have supported the measure (meaning I would have voted NO on 8), not because I am pro-gay per se', but out of logic...because I think "marriage" is a religious institution and I don't believe it is the government's role to be involved in either defining, or protecting the definition of any religious institution, under the separation of church and state clause. (In fact, if you want my personal opinion, while I'm not anti-gay at all, I think that the word "marriage" should imply what it has implied for thousands of years, the union between one man and one woman. But, since it is a religious institution, the power to define what constitutes "marriage" should be left strictly up to the religious community for them to debate and discuss. And if I disagree with one religion's views on "marriage", I'm always free to choose another religion. But to have the government tell me who I can and can't "marry" is CRIMINAL. Plain and simple. We have established Government to protect our basic human rights, not to be allowed to strip us of them, and we should demand a redress of grievances immediately! If everyone in the state voted to send all gays to the gas chamber would that make it legal? God forbid!!)

What it boils down to is this: Since "marriage" is a religious institution, then according to Article III of the Bill of Rights, the Government has no business in the "marriage" business...for anyone. The Civil Union should replace "marriage" as the Government recognized legally binding agreement between two people, regardless of gender, and it should be performed by Justices of the Peace (or other appointed Government Officials). We have already established that Government must treat all individuals equally under the law regardless of gender. Therefore, Government should grant the same binding Civil Union to any 2 people who want to apply for the Civil Union, regardless of gender. Once this Civil Union has been performed (a formality), the 2 people can of course go to any church, synagogue, mosque, etc. of their choice and get a "marriage"in whatever religious observance or tradition they see fit. It can't possibly diminish the significance or symbolism of it because in order to get "married" now, a couple needs to obtain a Govt issued license. Essentially, the Civil Union process would just replace the license application process. A side benefit of this would be an added revenue stream to municipalities for the Civil Union process. It's not a tax, it's a fee for services. It would likely require more personnel in many city offices (which the fees would cover), but there would be jobs created. It's not rocket-science.

But here is the crux of the irony in this whole California ballot thing (and just one more reason why I was so glad to leave California because it's just gotten beyond ridiculous....) But it shows how backward things are. California can't even pay its own bills anymore...but it's worried about trying to "defend" the definition of "marriage". How rich is that?

I have to wonder how many of those people who went to the polls to vote for this poorly-written measure to "defend marriage" are not even "married" themselves, but rather just shacked up together? (Before you tell me it's a 'common law marriage', you can stick it. It's not the same as that legally-binding marriage certificate...you know, that little piece of paper that the lawyers use to take away half your assets when you want to walk out on your spouse. That's why, when you're shacked up it's a lot easier to bail, even if you've been shacked up for 20 years and have kids and property together.) How many of those who voted for the measure even have a religous belief about anything? How many of them could even stay in a long-term relationship, much less a "marriage" without cheating on a partner/spouse (e.g.: committing adultery)? How many of those worried about "preserving the sanctity of marriage" have already been married and divorced once, twice or even three times...or even perhaps more...and re-married? Or here's one that I really would like to ask the religious community, how many of those religious right wing nutjobs calling themselves Christians who went on a diatribe about this measure, have been divorced and re-married, when Jesus specifically condemned this, (except in certain circumstances)? Answer me that. There is so much muck in their own back yards to clean up, they should stick with that instead of worrying about what others are doing.

How does it make you feel to know that your school systems are among the worst in the country, so bad that the majority of kids aren't getting the same quality education as their same-age peers in most other states...but at least now your homos can't get married. Thank God for that, though! Right? Show them who's boss!

The schools are in shambles, the roads need paving, there is no money to pay the police, firefighters and teachers and hundreds of other state jobs, and tens of thousands of kids have no medical care. But you have just made it that much harder for the queers who live next door to you to visit each other in the hospital if they ever get sick. What a worthwhile accomplishment! Give them the punishment they deserve! They're just queers, who cares?

Your kids are graduating high school and they can't read or write, and yet you just spent millions passing one of the most hate-based, discriminatory laws since the pre-civil rights era. How does it make you feel now that you've gotten your way, all of you self-righteous Christians and Mormons and Jews and Muslims and Atheists and who knows whoever or whatever else is reading this (I hope the whole world)...who solicited funds to get this measure passed? Here's a novel question...WHY did you people donate time and money to pass this measure when you could have just as easily given the money and time and energy for a worthwhile cause like doing something about the collapsing school system? Or lobbying your state assembly to change an immigration policy that is collapsing the state budget? Or one of the LITANY of more truly important issues facing your state? Are those things not important to you?

Apparently, fighting the cause of homophobia is more important than any of those issues. Do you think homosexuality is some kind of contagious disease? Is it the next global pandemic? Is it going to rub off on you or your kids? Does it spread through the air? Is it in the water? Are homo germs going to blow east and "infect" the rest of us in the free world if you don't take it upon yourselves to stop them? Please tell me, because I would really like to know how you think. Because frankly I don't understand how anyone's choice of a mate (which is entirely someone else's personal matter) can possibly have an effect on you so much that you would go to such lengths as to try and deny others the right to a peaceful and loving co-existence.

What doesn't seem to add up here is that homosexuality suddenly doesn't seem so taboo when all you straight guys shut the door to your den (behind your wives back) and go onto your favorite dial-a-porn site and watch the lesbians licking each other for the camera while you pleasure yourself with a bottle of lube. But, hey, we won't talk about that. It's OK for beautiful girls with big boobs and luscious lips to do each other for your porn addiction, but just don't ever let two "faggots" get married and/or move into your neighborhood. That's not the kind of homosexuality we want. But it's fine if you want to try and talk your wife or girlfriend into doing it with another woman (or two) while you watch, that's somehow "normal"...but the thought of two "faggots" who love each other getting married and moving in next to you is "just unnatural". (BTW, In case you hadn't noticed, you are what's called a pathetic loser.)

I'm totally puzzled here, California. Not because I expect you to make decisions based on religion, but simply because California has always been the leader in civil rights, equality and justice for all, and most importantly a "live and let live" ethic. California is not perfect, but at least you had a couple of things going for you in the human rights category. However, I am disappointed. You have let the country and the world down. You need to go back to the drawing-board and re-think this one because you made the wrong decision...at the polls, and in the courts. "

This weekend, our family will join millions of others in celebrating America. We will enjoy the glow of fireworks, the taste of barbeque, and the company of good friends. As we all celebrate this weekend, let's also remember the remarkable story that led to this day.

Two hundred and thirty-three years ago, our nation was born when a courageous group of patriots pledged their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to the proposition that all of us were created equal.

Our country began as a unique experiment in liberty -- a bold, evolving quest to achieve a more perfect union. And in every generation, another courageous group of patriots has taken us one step closer to fully realizing the dream our founders enshrined on that great day.

Today, all Americans have a hard-fought birthright to a freedom which enables each of us, no matter our views or background, to help set our nation's course. America's greatness has always depended on her citizens embracing that freedom -- and fulfilling the duty that comes with it.

As free people, we must each take the challenges and opportunities that face this nation as our own. As long as some Americans still must struggle, none of us can be fully content. And as America comes ever closer to achieving the perfect Union our founders dreamed, that triumph -- that pride -- belongs to all of us.

So today is a day to reflect on our independence, and the sacrifice of our troops standing in harm's way to preserve and protect it. It is a day to celebrate all that America is. And today is a time to aspire toward all we can still become.

With very best wishes,

President Barack Obama

July 4th, 2009

tonight was a good night.....


then how come the tears?

me and mine...

in my life
i have
driven more miles then some people will ever travel
laughed so hard liquid has literally come out of my nose
cried for soo long, and soo hard that i thought i might die
felt like i might be losing my sanity
had my jaw broken from being kicked in the face
laughed so hard i actually pissed myself
had a panic attack or two
put my fist through a wall, resulting in more frustration and a pained hand
wanted to kill someone and feared i might actually be capable
lied to myself and believed it, and made sure others did too
jumped out of a plane
been hang gliding
swam beneath waterfalls
burned off half my face
been in multiple car accidents resulting in totaled cars
kissed someone on the beach in barcelona
been rescued from death by a welsh
held someone as they died
held a baby in the first minute of his life
read more books so far then the majority will read in a lifetime
been betrayed
loved so hard it hurt
loved so hard i'll never recover
been cheated on
been swept off my feet
been around copious amounts of drugs
started and quit smoking
been in a movie
ran away from home
had to tell a child his father was dying
held the hand of a total stranger a she passed
watched a paraplegic take his first steps since his accident
watched someone break their two front teeth in half
met some cool celebrities
visited a friend after electroshock therapy
made a game winning basket
scored a game winning run
placed in a poker tournament
fallen in love with my best friend
gotten lost to the point of panic
physically injured a loved one
drank wine beneath the eiffel tower
touched a van gogh, and monet, and picasso
flown a plane




just to name a few...

Sometimes I feel like I'm the main character in a "Choose Your Own Adventure" novel that's being read by a sociopath...

i walked into your dream
and now i've forgotten how to dream
my own dream
you are the clever one aren't you....

gotta go.

About to jump in my car, and get out. Of here, of there, of my head/ bed/ he-said she-said.
Gonna read, and sweat, and pretend I'm a better person living a better life.
Bringing the camera, because I recently remembered who I really am, and what I really do.
Mostly looking forward to the drive.
To that feeling of watching the lights of the city get left behind, to the darkness, to the stars.
Go. Go. Go.
It's never far enough, it's always calling me back.
I have a lot to think about, these days.
I have too much to process.
For now I'm focused on not caring, too much, that is.

Tonight's soundtrack is amazing, wish you were listening.

superpoop.com

late night desires.

i just want silent serenity, for a few moments each day. no questions, no thoughts, no worries. secure emptiness. deep breaths, steady heartbeats. simplicity wrapped around me. no yesterdays, no thoughts of tomorrow. moments to catch up on this world in overdrive, to regain composure, to steady my steps. and free my mind, to find clarity. to rest my body and revive my soul and refill my reserves. solace.

it could all be so simple....

email? check.
cell phone? check.
text messaging? check.
picture messaging? check.
myspace? check.
blog? check.
facebook? check.
instant messenger? check.
googletalk? check.
ichat? check.
video chat? check.
mailing address? check.
twitter? check.

just doesn't compare to sitting down over coffee.

the lyrics......

so true.

exhale.

inhale.

where are the warning labels for life? the manual i was supposed to be given at birth? the detailed instructions that should be tattooed on everyone's backs? i look at my kid nephew, at my godson, at my best friend's daughter, and my best friend's son... and think "how do i save them?" how do we keep them from feeling the pain and fear of our lowest lows, yet let them live freely and passionately? there are things my parents never taught me, i wish they had. now that i've experienced them, i can see in their eyes that at some point they did too. so many things unspoken. would i have learned from them these lessons or are we all destined to these trials? how much more is there to learn? i've been told time and time again that the end justifies the means, i've seen it, i understand the adage, but i question the ultimateness of it.

sleep depravation

Sometimes it seems like I can never crack down and get anything done. I have trouble motivating myself to be productive. Yet, when I try to go to sleep at night, my head runs and runs and runs, a mile a minute, stressing about this and that, making lists for tomorrow, and cataloging what didn't get done today... I can't fall asleep. I cant shut my head off. So I lay here, awake, doing nothing, because its too late to run errands, everything is closed, everyone's asleep. At some point, I'll finally fall asleep, only to wake up later than I wanted to or needed to tomorrow, and fall behind even more.

Really? Can you blame the guy?

FORT WAYNE, Ind. (May 13) - Officials say a suspected drug dealer who led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot.
Fort Wayne police Sgt. Mark Walters says 36-year-old Jermaine Askia Cooper told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito.
Cooper was held without bail on four counts of dealing cocaine, one count of resisting arrest by fleeing and other charges.
A voicemail mailbox for a listing for a Jermaine Cooper in Fort Waine was full and not accepting messages.
Police say the chase began Tuesday after officers spotted Cooper, who was wanted on other charges, and tried to pull him over.

Is it weird that I know at least a handful of people who would probably do the same thing if they were in this situation? God bless taco bell!

this made me laugh...

and then i felt a little guilty.

I Hate...

cellphones... and cellphone companies,and the fact that I feel naked if I don't have mine on me... Ugh.

Facebook... An alternative to smoking?

Anything to keep my hands occupied.

I Heart The Exterminators!

So I found this little gem at 2:30am...... The Exterminators on A&E. It's about a family who.... yep, exterminates. They're based in Louisiana, so they get some funny request, and they're pretty hillbilly, in a fun-loving/ goofy way, not the dirty white trash way... The best part is how genuinely excited the main trapper Billy gets! Gotta love a man who's excited about rodents! Check it out!

I LOVE THIS SONG

YEAH YEAH YEAHS
"ZERO"

Bustin caps with my brownies at the range

You Know You've Always Wondered....

100 DAYS!

Today marks President Obama's 100th day in office! Amazing! The present may be bleak, but the future is bright!

Please Take A Moment To Read This!!!

From SireSays

This is how I roll.....

life·man·ship
Pronunciation:
\ˈlīf-mən-ˌship\
Function:noun
Date: 1949
: the skill or practice of achieving superiority or an appearance of superiority over others (as in conversation) by perplexing and demoralizing them

muwahahahahaha!

BEFORE

From Blogger Pictures

AFTER

From Blogger Pictures

Grimes Makes Good On Our Bet

For Grimes

marriedtothesea.com

superpoop.com

For La La

Rest in Peace "Baby"

Praise The Lord!

What better way to honor God than with....... (insert drumroll...) LEGOS! Yep, that's right.....

(AP) Parishioners at a church in Sweden celebrated Easter on Sunday by unveiling a 6-foot-tall (1.8-meter-tall) statue of Jesus that they had built out of 30,000 Lego blocks.

I can only hope that a LEGO stature will be erected in my honor once I kick the bucket!

Where were these teachers when I was in school?!!!

Cast your moral convictions aside..... You know this would be pretty damn sweet...

(AP) A school spokesman said a southwest Ohio teacher has resigned after acknowledging she accompanied four female students to a male strip club. Butler Tech school district spokesman Bill Solazzo said the 47-year-old teacher resigned Thursday.

He said the teacher told Edgewood High School administrators that the students, all cheerleaders, asked her to take them to the bar in February.

The teacher told school officials in an e-mail that she got permission from the parents of the 17- and 18-year-olds to bring them to the club.

The teacher taught marketing at the school and previously served as a coach for the district's eighth-grade cheerleaders.

I'd be the one whose parents would say no.... ugh.

I hate studying....

I really, truly hate it.
Especially when all my friends are here:

I want one of these sooo bad it hurts.....

I would call him "Slimey"

Kickin it with the Brits

We speak into the silence
and find that no one's really listening, our words are just that.
I know nothing more now, but that the tongue shall betray as loyally as the heart beats, and for the truth, there are no words.

Can't complain...

Dennis Leary @ Nokia Theater, with Julio. Thanks Andy!