insomnia is an odd thing.
it's productive in the most counterproductive of ways.
mine always seems riddled with self-criticism.
doubt.
frustration.
and, yet, things get done. conclusions are reached.
then i blink my eyes
and it's tomorrow.
i think that some nights i'm just afraid of the potential for dreams.
there is a thick grey haze between black and white.

the world spins without stopping, just like the clock.
it's amazing how everything behind disappears when you're walking forward.
only when you stop, turn around
does it creep back into vision
every now and again, when you take a sharp turn
catch a glimpse from the corner of your eye.
nothing chases the earth
she spins...
it's a wonder how bits and pieces remain under the flesh
motivation and fear in their own turn

i've never been this important before.

just sitting here in my room, television on, white noise
mind wanders
lucid.
and i realise, i've got the biggest smile
spread across my face.

and there came a moment when i realized that i no longer wanted to run from my problems.
instead, every last ounce of my existence desired to run at them, head-on, kicking and screaming, wielding an arsenal of lessons learned and mistakes made.
and i wondered. is this growth? is this freedom?
it was my heart that answered. "this is faith. this is confidence. this is the moment when you truly understand: you are worth fighting for."

i turned and faced the sun, letting the heat pass through me.

sometimes, when you navigate by the stars, the days can feel a bit daunting...

and you kissed away the fear...

and unanswerable questions begin to answer themselves. the why's, the how's...
there comes a moment when the mind opens wider than the eyes
and somewhere inside, where darkness reigned, a light sparks
and you realize that this moment could have never been without the pain
and the weight of those sleepless nights
and a million fallen tears
slowly fade into gratitude.

we provide for the universe what we desire to receive
without veils and pretense
only the truest of intentions are rewarded.

when she opened her eyes, nothing happened. nothing changed. the world did not stop, the skies did not fall, there were no ashes, there were no flames. and still she existed. and there she laid, unharmed.

and then something breaks
something inside gives
the ledge falls
and for a moment you are weightless

Last night, for the first time in over a year, I actually laughed in my dreams.
Maybe this is what healing looks like.

Sometimes it just grips you and takes over.
A prison built from within.
You know it will pass, eventually.
But in those moments, it's terrifying.





i haven't left my room today.

I can visualize these words as they pass your lips.

The universe is an interesting beast.

sometimes i look at photos of the life that once was mine.
i can see the holes.

there's a lot i can see these days.

Sometimes I feel like a train.

Solve et coagula.

"maybe your picker is broken" she said.

everything is broken.

and the day merged into night
yet again
sitting here
just like the beginning
waiting for the end
it was never meant to be
this way
or maybe it was
maybe it always is
but what a sad, sad existence that would be.

fuck everything right now. i quit.

the universe will provide
say it again
and again
until it's burned on your lips.
time is closing in
it's as if you don't remember
we have that forever
the one from our sleepless nights
the universe will provide
but we have to accept its offering
and give it life.
begin again...

how does solitude work
in the midst of a crowd
beneath hollow smiles
and painful tears
and you become numb
to the convulsing of your body
and the shortness of your breath
and you can't cry out the pain
but you can't stop either
how does it find
the weakest chord
of your heart
and the deepest pit of your stomach
and leave an aching in your soul
and then let you go on living?


*i wrote this 11 years ago. i was 18...
and here i sit asking the same question.
so tired.

Portare il rischio. Portare il rischio per me. Sacrificare per me proprio come ho sacrificato per lei così molte volte. Lei attende. Lei l'aspetta di partire in modo che lei può esplorare. Valgo più. Non dirmi che lei segue l'universo se lei non è. L'universo le dice di crescere e tutto rischia.

"I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
Oh, I need this

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them"

i wish you could see it
from up here amongst the stars...
that beautiful existence
we were marching towards.
it was just a matter of time
then
so close...
i can still see it
and it's just sitting there
so lonely
as i sit here in a mirrored state.

so many blank pages
laid out before me
tauntingly.
pen in hand
dripping with blood
soaked in tears.
dirt beneath nails
gathers as i dig at hope's grave
buried under mountains of destruction.
what do you do
when you have no control
when time keeps ticking
despite your quivering voice?
let go
of all there was
or should have been
pick up the blade
and defend your heart
so weak.
Believe in me
I believe in me
My fighter's heart
my broken spirit.
Write the words
and life will follow

The answer is yes.
As much as I wish it were something else,
it is
and has been
yes.

and i die...

i don't know how to navigate this
even the stars seem confused.
the chord pulls
from my soul
to your bleeding flesh
and into emptiness.
say my name
like it belongs to you
as you kick me to the curb.
everything is broken
everything is diluted with tears.
and we sit
in our alternate lives
in our separate universes
buried.
such little time it's taken
to destroy
such a beautiful existence.
to destroy everything I am.
trying, so hard, to understand
the incomprehensible.
why can i still feel you,
from a million miles away?
it doesn't mean you want me
you could have had me
fuck.
you could have had all of me
but here we are
defined by distance
yet so deeply connected
that it hurts to hear my own name in your voice.

First my left foot
then my right, behind the other
bread crumbs lost under the snow...

so many things to say
with so much left unsaid

everything is on fire.
watch it burn.

manifest

years from now
these days will replay
in our late night conversation
the memories
will radiate
in everyday actions.
adoration
from the first day
from the first glimpse
that first touch.
we'll remember how we fought
the fear of all we'd seen
until the day we melted.
me first,
of course,
my starstruck heart.
but you too
with beautiful cynicism
and artful grace.
we allowed ourselves
to be the anomaly
and created something no one has ever known.

and then everything retreats back into the shadows.
that momentary lapse snaps
and it never happened
only it did
and i'll keep checking
for much too long.

Shhhh... i know. it's only in my head...

Let life bleed through my pen...

i always believed i would change the world, someday.
maybe that world will be yours.

this storm just won't seem to pass over my family.
"everything happens for a reason"
well give me the goddam reason that's good enough

there it is.

we'll never understand how it came to pass
like a thunder storm in the dead of summer.
everywhere
always. everywhere.
surrounded and engulfed
completely covered.
you'll wonder
just as i do
but we'll never really speak of it.
at the day's dawn
we will always hesitate
holding on
for just another moment
to that warmth, that comfort, that safe safe solace.
days will converge
while the evenings bring blank canvasses.
we'll sip coffee
and discuss our intent to curb our obsession
with coffee.
i'll fill the cupboards with tea.
sometimes i'll cry
and sometimes you'll break shit,
but we'll only ever fight the world
hand in hand
we'll stand taller
together.

manifest.

and i will tell you you're brilliant
under the cover of darkness
it's the only time you won't protest.
my voice, wandering
between dreamscapes.
and your friends will say "she's not really your style"
"yes. but she's clever."
we'll laugh about it,
though i'll secretly always wonder what you meant.
there will be a picture of us, hanging from your wall
its title: things that are dead.
every time it catches your eye
you will think of that moment
our moment
when we both began to live.
i will write furiously
our narrative
in metaphors,
and you will add color.
you will curse the sun
and i will bring you light.
and i will fear the darkness,
but you'll take my hand... and that will always be enough.
i will never say no, you despise the word
but i won't have to, why should i?
everything around us will spin
around and around
dizzy with lust
sick with desire
round and round.
you won't be able to fight the smile.

and i am done with my graceless heart,
so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart

and we will fall
from cliffs so high
the clouds dance below us.
spinning out of exile,
into unknown.
fighting this fall from grace
with relentless vigor.
shallow graves
hide the half dead.
vacant souls
and swollen hearts.

Wishing you were here.
Wishing the you that i knew was anywhere, really...
Even if that somewhere isn't with me.

last night a young girl named Rosemary took her own life. i didn't know her, i don't know that anybody really knew her. but she was young, and she was gay, and i'm sure she was beautiful.
and life can be really fucking hard sometimes, even for a little girl.
and, sometimes, it can just be too hard.

give somebody a hug today. if not for them, then for you.
human touch can change a life. your life. mine.

my grams would have been 88 today.
i like that number, 88
seems so infinite.

and now she is.


i don't want to believe that she's gone.
what a shitty year.

when my own words fail

the things i want to write in this moment...
hurt in a way...
there are no words.

my heart.

I am sad
and
I am scared.

two months.

write these words
to an empty room
to a hollow void.
send them out
into time
into space
into her absence.
everything stained with tears
and everything so broken.
spinning
round and round
all is lost.
so much fucking loss.
from limb to limb
torn
apart.
searching for something
anything
to make sense of it all
to cushion this fall from grace.
pleading with a god
who left my side
so long ago.
begging for mercy
for deliverance
for one day
outside this place.

god dammit.

one day, all questions will be answered
or perhaps they will cease to be asked.

the swelling of the heart
the suffocation of silence

listen to the words
see the signs

faith exists beyond religion
faith is what the soul is made of

rise above, beyond
move. Anywhere, away from here.

let loneliness enable you
let fear push you
let desperation light your path
let sorrow take your hand

you don't believe.
you've been wrong before.
you don't believe.
you're still alive.
you don't believe
it's okay...
whatever takes you away from here.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.

just keep praying, something's got to give.

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

Duck time

They say that promises sweeten the blow

It's that look. The one you get from those who care about you, the ones closest to your own pain. That look of sympathy, of knowing. The one that sees right through your best attempt to hold back tears, to feign a smile. That look that hurts just as much as the thoughts in your head, the tearing in your heart. It says "I know you are hurting and there's absolutely nothing I can do." And you both know that you're wishing there was something they could do, anything. It's that hug, as they walk away, held for just a second too long. Don't go... don't let me stay here, crying by myself... Somebody be here with me, please. I don't want to do this.
But they know, just as well as you do.... nobody can save you.
Say the words
It get's easier.
when?
Look away.
there's no answer
Because nobody's sure, every one is hoping
and no one wants to admit
some scars last forever.

Shiva Shakti
Liberation and destruction are one and the same.

Sometimes a moment catches you by surprise, when your defenses are down, and your thoughts are clear. You begin to feel, before you've time to think. And you catch the sob in your throat, the pressure building. Your stomach turns and you try to keep it at bay, but it's too late. You were unprepared.

And you will find comfort in the oddest of places the voices of the least expected will speak words to soothe your soul. Your bravery will be supported by the unlikeliest of allies they will rally behind true intentions. You will awake from your own demise into the arms of those who guarded you in your slumber. And in that moment you will find pride.

and the clouds parted as the universe spoke, her voice like honey, engulfed all who dared to look.
"we are the unspoken promises. our very breath holds the truth of every sleepless night. walk with your heads tilted towards the heavens, your path is lead by the stars."
the words meant nothing to those who listened.
but, to the ones who felt, the world began to open.

thank god for friends.

Happy Birthday.

In an hour I turn 29.
I am somewhere I did not expect to be.
I am someone I never knew existed.
They are just numbers
these are just days
I end this year of life frustrated, angry, confused, and so very sad.
I leave this year behind with all that it stole from me.
I leave this year behind
trying to convince myself
that there are lessons to be learned
that something bigger will reveal itself to me in time.
I leave this year knowing less than I ever have
and feeling emotions deeper then I ever needed to know the depths of.
I leave knowing only one thing for sure:
beyond this body, and the soul and mind it holds,
I have no power. I have no control.
In 29 years of life that is what I've learned.
Everything can change in one beat of the heart
and, relentlessly, the heart keeps beating.

This song. Every time.

March 19th

Today is a day that reminds me of things worth fighting for
of events that cannot be controlled by best laid plans
or the purest of intentions.
Today is a day that reminds me that all can change
in the blink of an eye, a turn of the clock.
Today brings me back to the darkest of moments
and a strength beyond comprehension.

Today, I remember how short life can be
Today, I remember why I fight
and why I love so deeply.

Today, I choose hope
I choose faith in my own happiness
in the happiness I deserve.
Today I put my faith in a universe that has chewed me up and spit me out.
If only for today, I trust in that connection that lies between us.
I trust in its beauty
and in its purity.
All of the energy put in
all of me
and all of you.
It still exists.
Every day is a gift
our love was a gift
Life is a gift, and our life together
the greatest of all.

We found what everyone searched for
we found the subject of a million books
we found what wars were waged for
and what lives were given for.
And we've just but sacrificed it
to bullshit
and fear and ego.
But on this day, I fight.
Let go of what was
and fight for what's to come.


I will consider this time a reminder
just as that day, seven years ago was a reminder,
life is short, love is precious and both are to be cherished.
Today I choose to cherish you, forever, if you'll let me.
And perhaps tomorrow, you will choose to say yes.
Our love makes this world a more beautiful place.

so many times i thought about this day
and how we would celebrate
and all the plans we would begin to make
the steps we would begin to really take
the excitement
the questions
and all the love
conquering the world
like we said we would
watching our dreams
become our lives
our life together.

my heart
my pride
my love

and as you walk away
so goes a piece of me.

the pain of this moment
will haunt me in my darkest dreams.

i would do anything
to make it stop.

Let go.

today was the day when all of our songs became sad songs.

He who forgets will be destined to remember.

It is mind blowing to know that you are still out there existing



there are other things still in existence...

today was hard
and yesterday...
i can't even remember.
a muted gray numbness.
the headaches have begun,
i knew they would.
at least it's a different pain to focus on.

Try everything you know, something has to work.
Every trick, every tool.
Something has to work.
Breathe.. breathe. i can't fucking breathe.
try harder, dig your nails in, until flesh bleeds.
the blood is real, you are real
this is really happening.
run, fucking run, away, get away
something has to work
it cannot kill you
it can only break you
there's nowhere else to go..
tears heal nothing
time pushes you deeper
nobody knows
everybody knows

and then the last thread broke,
and she fell into the darkness...

i wish this moment would have been mine with you.

it's tearing me apart.

Trust the one who can see these three things in you:
Sorrow behind your smile
Love behind your anger, and
Meaning behind your silence.

- Nismo

every day i write you a novel
a love story
an adventure
the ultimate plea

and then i erase it, because you need space
but all of my space is filled with your absence

are you okay?
do you sleep peacefully because it feels right?
I can't grasp the concept
i cannot comprehend that your world feels bearable without us.

i know you are capable of anything, of everything
once your head is in
why not put your head in to this?

you have been away long enough to know
of that whole other world
that exists outside of ours
it was always there
and will always be

other options
other people
other passion

but ours made the world beautiful
ours made lives better
our lives better

can't you see?
they will always be there in the light
but me, i've been there in the darkness
diligently
lovingly,
to protect your beautiful heart.

that's what matters
everyone wants the fun, the silly, the easy
and i do too
but i love your sad, and scared
with a fervent intensity
because thats when you need love the most.

in every dream i win you back.

i fight long and hard
but in the end
you are mine again

and we're both so happy.

waking up has never hurt so badly...

the tears seem endless

let me love you.

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
edgy and dull
and cut a six inch valley
through the middle of my soul
At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through
the middle of my head

i'm on fire.

that sudden absence of human touch

it's paralyzing

My heart wants you.

All of that love and support
but still i cry out for you...

that one person to hold me and tell me i was brave and now i can just be.
wish you were here.

i'm just so sad

remember when you'd have anxiety... and i'd hold you all night and you'd ask me if i'd be with you forever? you found comfort in our forever sooo many times...

what a shitty year this has turned out to be.

I deserve the best, and you deserve the world.
And we can be that for each other.
Be here now.

Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me if I'm falling
Will you catch me cause I'm falling down on you
I said I'm under the gun around here
Oh man I said I'm under the gun around here
And I can't see nothing
Nothing round here

Since the very first day, you have been my tomorrow.

I was numb, and I'm so sorry for that. Truly. You were patient, I know you were.
And here I am, as always, thirty seconds too late. But I just can't let that be it. I can't, because you told me you'd do anything and everything for us, you believed in us. And I know it's true, and somewhere inside you still do. I never stopped, ever. I thought all those things you wanted to hear, but my mouth was paralyzed with the intensity of the world swirling above our heads.This has always been bigger than us and it is bigger than this.
You said.. anything.. everything.. ALWAYS.
You said you'd wait for me to get my head straight.
You were so impressed by us that you promised me the world. We still exist. Us still exists.
I cannot believe in a world without us. This world has already lost too much as of late.