i don't know how to navigate this
even the stars seem confused.
the chord pulls
from my soul
to your bleeding flesh
and into emptiness.
say my name
like it belongs to you
as you kick me to the curb.
everything is broken
everything is diluted with tears.
and we sit
in our alternate lives
in our separate universes
buried.
such little time it's taken
to destroy
such a beautiful existence.
to destroy everything I am.
trying, so hard, to understand
the incomprehensible.
why can i still feel you,
from a million miles away?
it doesn't mean you want me
you could have had me
fuck.
you could have had all of me
but here we are
defined by distance
yet so deeply connected
that it hurts to hear my own name in your voice.

First my left foot
then my right, behind the other
bread crumbs lost under the snow...

so many things to say
with so much left unsaid

everything is on fire.
watch it burn.

manifest

years from now
these days will replay
in our late night conversation
the memories
will radiate
in everyday actions.
adoration
from the first day
from the first glimpse
that first touch.
we'll remember how we fought
the fear of all we'd seen
until the day we melted.
me first,
of course,
my starstruck heart.
but you too
with beautiful cynicism
and artful grace.
we allowed ourselves
to be the anomaly
and created something no one has ever known.

and then everything retreats back into the shadows.
that momentary lapse snaps
and it never happened
only it did
and i'll keep checking
for much too long.

Shhhh... i know. it's only in my head...

Let life bleed through my pen...

i always believed i would change the world, someday.
maybe that world will be yours.

this storm just won't seem to pass over my family.
"everything happens for a reason"
well give me the goddam reason that's good enough

there it is.

we'll never understand how it came to pass
like a thunder storm in the dead of summer.
everywhere
always. everywhere.
surrounded and engulfed
completely covered.
you'll wonder
just as i do
but we'll never really speak of it.
at the day's dawn
we will always hesitate
holding on
for just another moment
to that warmth, that comfort, that safe safe solace.
days will converge
while the evenings bring blank canvasses.
we'll sip coffee
and discuss our intent to curb our obsession
with coffee.
i'll fill the cupboards with tea.
sometimes i'll cry
and sometimes you'll break shit,
but we'll only ever fight the world
hand in hand
we'll stand taller
together.

manifest.

and i will tell you you're brilliant
under the cover of darkness
it's the only time you won't protest.
my voice, wandering
between dreamscapes.
and your friends will say "she's not really your style"
"yes. but she's clever."
we'll laugh about it,
though i'll secretly always wonder what you meant.
there will be a picture of us, hanging from your wall
its title: things that are dead.
every time it catches your eye
you will think of that moment
our moment
when we both began to live.
i will write furiously
our narrative
in metaphors,
and you will add color.
you will curse the sun
and i will bring you light.
and i will fear the darkness,
but you'll take my hand... and that will always be enough.
i will never say no, you despise the word
but i won't have to, why should i?
everything around us will spin
around and around
dizzy with lust
sick with desire
round and round.
you won't be able to fight the smile.

and i am done with my graceless heart,
so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart

and we will fall
from cliffs so high
the clouds dance below us.
spinning out of exile,
into unknown.
fighting this fall from grace
with relentless vigor.
shallow graves
hide the half dead.
vacant souls
and swollen hearts.

Wishing you were here.
Wishing the you that i knew was anywhere, really...
Even if that somewhere isn't with me.

last night a young girl named Rosemary took her own life. i didn't know her, i don't know that anybody really knew her. but she was young, and she was gay, and i'm sure she was beautiful.
and life can be really fucking hard sometimes, even for a little girl.
and, sometimes, it can just be too hard.

give somebody a hug today. if not for them, then for you.
human touch can change a life. your life. mine.

my grams would have been 88 today.
i like that number, 88
seems so infinite.

and now she is.


i don't want to believe that she's gone.
what a shitty year.

when my own words fail

the things i want to write in this moment...
hurt in a way...
there are no words.

my heart.

I am sad
and
I am scared.

two months.

write these words
to an empty room
to a hollow void.
send them out
into time
into space
into her absence.
everything stained with tears
and everything so broken.
spinning
round and round
all is lost.
so much fucking loss.
from limb to limb
torn
apart.
searching for something
anything
to make sense of it all
to cushion this fall from grace.
pleading with a god
who left my side
so long ago.
begging for mercy
for deliverance
for one day
outside this place.

god dammit.

one day, all questions will be answered
or perhaps they will cease to be asked.

the swelling of the heart
the suffocation of silence

listen to the words
see the signs

faith exists beyond religion
faith is what the soul is made of

rise above, beyond
move. Anywhere, away from here.

let loneliness enable you
let fear push you
let desperation light your path
let sorrow take your hand

you don't believe.
you've been wrong before.
you don't believe.
you're still alive.
you don't believe
it's okay...
whatever takes you away from here.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.

just keep praying, something's got to give.

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs

Duck time

They say that promises sweeten the blow

It's that look. The one you get from those who care about you, the ones closest to your own pain. That look of sympathy, of knowing. The one that sees right through your best attempt to hold back tears, to feign a smile. That look that hurts just as much as the thoughts in your head, the tearing in your heart. It says "I know you are hurting and there's absolutely nothing I can do." And you both know that you're wishing there was something they could do, anything. It's that hug, as they walk away, held for just a second too long. Don't go... don't let me stay here, crying by myself... Somebody be here with me, please. I don't want to do this.
But they know, just as well as you do.... nobody can save you.
Say the words
It get's easier.
when?
Look away.
there's no answer
Because nobody's sure, every one is hoping
and no one wants to admit
some scars last forever.

Shiva Shakti
Liberation and destruction are one and the same.

Sometimes a moment catches you by surprise, when your defenses are down, and your thoughts are clear. You begin to feel, before you've time to think. And you catch the sob in your throat, the pressure building. Your stomach turns and you try to keep it at bay, but it's too late. You were unprepared.