horribly amazing

Emails from the Bishop

"An Elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
> years. He
> had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic
> tables, horseshoe
> courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
>
> The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One
> evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and
> look it over, as he
> hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
> bucket to bring
> back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
> laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a
> bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made
> the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
> deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're
> not coming out until you leave!"
>
> The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to
> watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
> naked"
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed
> the alligator"
>
> Old men can still think fast"



* please be warned that this is a more milder one of his emails... typically the ones I receive are more politically driven, usually pretty narrow-minded without any fact checking, and are ALWAYS in direct opposition to my own political views. Hence my desire to include them in my blog. I just thought I'd get it started with a little humor....

New Spin?

My friend and blogging mentor Dharma Bum has a cool thing going with the "Letters From Mom" section of his blog..... Let me tell you, I love it! So, as any smart person does with someone else's good idea, I'm going to steal it! Okay, not really steal it so much as be inspired by it? Nevermind, you're right, I am stealing it. My version shall be called "Emails from the Bishop"- this requires a bit of an explanation I reckon..... you see, my grandpa holds the highest rank of ordination within the Catholic church that a married man can hold (no, he's not a bishop, just wait, you'll understand). As most people know, the Catholic church has some pretty ornate outfits for its disciples, and my gramps has quite a few lavish robed outfits for different festivities. Well, a neighbor of my ma and pa's once saw a picture of my grandma and grandpa together, him dressed in a particularly "extravagant" ensemble....Now they were posed as any affectionate married couple would be, and, finding that a bit peculiar, our neighbor says "Wow, punky (my grandma((another good family nickname))) sure is getting familiar with that bishop!" Long story short, we explained that it was my grandpa, and from that day forward they became Punky & the Bishop. All that being said, "Emails from the Bishop" will highlight some of the more noteworthy of the hundreds (yes hundreds) of chain and forwarded emails I receive from my gramps each week. Hopefully you'll enjoy, and more importantly, hopefully I'll do Dharma Bum proud!

Nostalgia

My mom and grandma were always finding cool ways to entertain us and try to teach us a thing or two when we were little. I used to love science experiments....... One of my favorite things to play with was oobleck, a mix of cornstarch and water.... The goo in this video had me convinced that my mom had magical powers!

for grimes

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Today is my first sunday not spent slinging mimosas and bloody marys in probably a year. Wow. If you care, I actually had saturday AND sunday off, shoot, lets throw in a MONDAY too!??? Not since the year of our lord 2006 have i had that group of days strung together without work.....(and I didn't even ask for these, people!) It does feel good to be free on a weekend, but I'm kinda cringing knowing how much money I'm losin out on... so what do I do, in true, all-american, white-trash form? I wake up and have a garage sale!

Another day in paradise

Today, at around noon, a wasted, I mean WASTED older man (probably mid 50s) sat down at my bar. I'm not sure exactly how I managed to enrage him, other than asking his wife if evian was okay, but he went on a tirade of viscous expletives about me, my face, my demeanor, his intent to get me fired, yada yada....... Never in my life have i had so many four letter words thrown at me, about me, in such an attacking way. While I survived the incident unscathed, which required me actually having to flee from the situation, my frustrated and overwhelmed hormones reduced me to tears. And that pissed me off. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't say anything back to this asshole, because I've no doubt whatsoever that he would have physically attacked me, whether by throwing something at me or jumping across the bar as he was poised to do right before I dismissed myself, I feel like I betrayed myself, or was betrayed by my girly instincts. Why cry? ugh! what does that do? I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't tell the jerk where he could shove his intoxicated insults. I stood there, and took it, looking him dead in the eye as he called me things that men are forbidden to call women, even in the most dire of situations, words that only other women can call the %$^& who slept with her boyfriend....... I just hate that he felt like he won. He sent me running. He suffered no consequence other than being asked to leave by the sweetest little red headed gayboy bartender i know. Is this what I do for a living? Is this who I've become? Am I so aptly trained in customer service that I just sit and listen to some idiot insult every ounce of my being without standing up for myself?
yep, just another day in paradise.

Will Work For Food!

So.... I need a new job. I can't do it anymore. "The Factory" is killing me! Today was ridiculous- out of control. Our corporate manager was in all day, riding us hard. Anything and everything that could go wrong did. He spoke to me like I was 5 all day. I just can't keep putting in these hours for such shitty money. I'm lucky to make in two shifts what I used to make in one. To top off my 9 hours in hell, I came home to find a notice that my health benefits are being cancelled do to lack of hours. I haven't taken vacation, I've worked what I've been scheduled, however its not enough, and I can't have something as important as health insurance be in limbo. It's really the only reason I've stuck with this place for so long.

So I've decided. I'm done and done. Time to move on. I know I can do better, shit, I deserve better. Tomorrow I start my hunt.... fingers crossed! If anyone out there knows somewhere that's hiring..... hook a girl up! I've got a damn good resume, I promise!