I need a good laugh

Sometimes I Just Want To

For Julio (and our shared hatred)

A Shout Out to My Bellflower Days

The Art of TP

I want to take a minute to advise you, dear readers, on successful toilet papering. Hopefully, I might even spur a few of you to action. TPing is a beloved activity of mine, and it just doesn't seem to get the recognition it deserves. It comes in many forms: the car TP, the House TP, The Bike TP, the Sneak Attack TP, the All-Nighter TP, the On Location TP, the Interrupted Double TP, and so many more. TPing IS appropriate for almost EVERY situation (please contact me for funeral TP guidelines)- birthdays, anniversaries, last days of work, graduations, holidays... you name it, I'll TP it. I encourage you to invoke this childhood silliness next time an event occurs in your own life, trust me, all parties will be blessed. But first there are a few guidelines I must clear up prior to your engagement in this wonderful sport:

1. This ain't your 2nd grade Slumber Party debacle- You are an adult now, and have the resources to do an adult TP job. Commit! Plan Ahead. Make sure you have examined the potential target. How much toilet paper will you need for coverage? Save yourself a dime, and make an advance run to costco, skip the last minute shopping spree. Have your product unwrapped and ready for quick disbursement onsite. Speed and Agility are your biggest allies.

2. Get your timing right- We big kids stay out late. We work, we go to bars, we do walks of shame. Make sure your target is where you think they are, an interrupted session can be detrimental to the finished product, so, by any means necessary, track your victim (step 3 will help with this).

3. Illicit help, there is strength in numbers- Get your friends on board! gather your troops. This will prove beneficial any many ways. You will be able to cover more area in shorter time. You will be able to use advanced throwing techniques such as the "over-under buddy toss" or the "fireman hand off". This will also help you when it comes time for retaliation, as there almost always is when engaging in TP wars. Your victim cannot possibly counter attack your whole group.

And, most importantly, the GOLDEN RULE of Toilet Paper:

4. Leave no stone unturned, and no property scarred- that's right, don't do any permanent damage. Nothing counteracts the beauty of a well-done TP mission worse than a trampled planter, or broken window. Act stealthily and gingerly. Take care in your work, and everyone wins! But make sure you get every last piece of property that you can! here's a few ideas on finishing touches that will really let your victim know how much you care

-Forking: buy a box of plastic forks, a couple bucks for hundreds, and set one of your soldiers up to stab them into the lawn. This creates a beautiful visual and actually helps to irrigate said lawn.
- Saran-wrapping is your friend: if there's a car to be done, this is a time tested, mother approved technique. While your picking up your econo-size pack of TP at the costco, stop by the restaurant product isle and grab and industrial roll of saran wrap. Use this to completely wrap the entire car, making it impossible for the owner to get inside. This will cause no damage, but will frustrate the hell out of your victim, as they won't realise the situation until after they've taken down the tremendous amounts of TP.
and my last little helpful hint:
-Chalk: personalise your battleground by taking a minute to write some funny notes to your buddy, it'll really give them a warm-fuzzy feeling in their loins, they'll know they're loved.

So , dear readers, I urge you: GET OUT THERE! SPREAD THE TP LOVE! And report back here with pictures of your finished product for all to enjoy. I'm serious, you won't regret it!


Here are a few pics of some of my more recent jobs.......

Life On Life's Terms

Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. Like every silver lining has a big fuckin gnarly gray cloud wrapped around it. I guess that's the way it is for most people sometimes. Let me tell you though, if that Karma crap really does exist, you might want to stick by my side, because honey, I'm cashing in HUGE! I mean lear jet, Bentley, platinum huge. So, fingers crossed for Karma, cuz momma needs to get her hair did!

You Know You're Getting Old When

For the first time, you actually, truly understand the feeling of nostalgia.

nos⋅tal⋅gia [no-stal-juh, -jee-uh, nuh-]:

1. A bittersweet longing for things, persons, or situations of the past.
2. A wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time

Can You Believe It?

I still can't wrap my head around it. For the first time, I have a sense of national pride! I'm excited to be an American!

What Dreams May Come

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

-MLK jr